Ever wondered what the fairer sex really thought about your beard comb? Or if they actually notice if you’ve taken the time to slap on a little conditioner on your moustache? GQ did, so we polled the female members of GQ’s crack team to find out. Prepare to change your grooming regime, gentlemen.

Your beard highlights your eyes. So it’s sort of like a mascara for men. And a permanent concealer for a weak chin or chicken neck.

Condition the hell out of it. Wiry coils that look like someone’s one hundred year old public hair? No thanks.

Check your beard after food. Is that a little piece of steak nestled in your chin nest or is it a beard accessory? Neither’s OK.



No more than 1cm. I hate beards. Stubble, absolutely, but not a bush. I don’t need your face brush to remove my makeup. Gross.

Careful with the self tan and cover up. I went out with a guy who used too way much Lab Series BB cream. He said it was a “moisturiser” but why were there beige clumps on your chin? Use less and blend the hell out of it. Prick. And you owe me money.

There’s a fine line between being kissable or not. Too short and you get that itchy, red enflamed feeling and too long it’s like kissing a soft fluffy dog.

Beard Combs are completely unacceptable in public. Do you think I want your ginger spotted beard hairs in my Rosé? Just no.

If it stops you looking like a 6ft baby, do it. No discernible jawbone? Beards pretty much write “PUBERTY” all over your face.

Having a beard is not an excuse for ostentatious hairiness. Just because you have a beard, doesn’t mean you can have a monobrow, nose hair or, god forbid, ear hair. Buy some goddamn tweezers.


If you’re not developing an even coverage, give up. Beards aren’t for everyone.

Just grow three-day stubble. It looks masculine, it’s hassle free and full-on beards smell.

No soul patches, please. Ever, ever, ever.

Don’t forget to shave your neck. Ladies like men who wear scarves, not men who have grown their own.

Permanently lasering your beard lines shows dedication. And a certain mania. Avoid unless you know with 100 per cent certainty that you’ll never go through a Brian Blessed phase later in life. And how can anyone be sure of that?

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